The kids have deaded me today.
Egdog was flailing around for breastmilk ('Mung! Mung!') from sunrise onwards. Sophie got out of bed but hid under a throw on the sofa and wouldn't speak to anyone about breakfast. After much coaxing/begging/threatening she asked for a golden syrup sandwich. Reader, I made it for her.
Then she got upset on the way to school about an older boy who had been mean to her a year ago and might be mean again when she goes up to the juniors in September - which is a valid worry! But I can't very well ask her current teacher to tell him off for something he did last year, or for something he hasn't done yet, so I had to do more coaxing and persuaded her that we would not act on this worry today, we would see how things went in September, and we would speak to her new teacher straight away if this boy caused any problems. She reluctantly went into school. Then Egdog fell over and got a bloody lip.
Egdog grumped around for ages before he would go down for his daytime nap, and when he finally did I immediately got nobbled by the Jehovah's fecking Witnesses.
School opened its doors in the afternoon for parents to come in and see the kids' work. Soph showed me and Egdog around, which was lovely except for Egdog's desire to riot in the classroom. So I spent most of it saying strained polite things while he dragged me round in circles (did I mention he pulled part of his elbow out of place last week and we had to go to A&E to get it clicked back, so now I'm paranoid about pulling on his hand too hard and all this is done with me clutching his upper arm). We left. Sophie took fifteen minutes to collect a school bag, a cello and a coat from the cloakroom.
We went to the park. Sophie had a minor spat with a friend (not entirely friend's fault) and sobbed. Egdog tried very hard to run in front of moving swings and get brained while a friend of mine was trying to tell me difficult heartfelt things about a relative with dementia.
We came home. Snacks were required. A variety of snacks. Every time I sat down someone needed another
goddamn motherfucking snack.
Sophie's friend next door knocked for her and she went over. I plonked Egdog in front of autoplaying Ben and Holly while I tried to stick my brain back together. At tea time I went to reclaim Sophie. She was arsing about in her friend's onesie. She could not find her socks or her hairband. We gave up and came home.
After tea, homework! Homework is hard to focus on. We thought of adjectives for every letter of the alphabet. You can tell where we resorted to the dictionary because it suddenly goes XENOPHOBIC YAMMERING ZARATHUSTRIAN. Picture this taking place on the sofa while Egdog climbs up my knees wailing 'Mung! Mung!'
Owl takes pity on me and sends me upstairs for a break. Sophie is dissuaded from following me with homework. Ten minutes later it is bedtime. She bursts into my room and demands to make a Powerpoint presentation about pets instead. I say no. She flops around mournfully.
I read her a bedtime story after lots more flopping and claiming that she didn't WANT a story except now she DID. She pretends to fall asleep and snores loudly while I try to read.
She gets into bed. Five minutes later she wails for me because her feet are sticking out of her mosquito net. I rearrange the net and pop to the loo. It transpires she has daubed the bathroom door and doorhandles (inside and out) with toothpaste. I pop back upstairs and firmly correct her understanding of toothbrushing protocol.
Then I come downstairs to start cooking dinner for me and Owl. She comes downstairs because she is frightened of scary rabbits. I do not scream.
She is in bed. Egdog is asleep. I cook dinner. I pass Owl his plate. I sit down with my plate. Egdog wakes up and cries for mung.
Soph has been a STAR recently. Glowing school report! She swam 250 metres in total at the weekend, and this is the girl who was too scared to get in the water! So tonight I'm concetrating hard on how proud I am. Proud. So proud.